Faith, Death, and Grief: Experiencing the Intellectual, Spiritual, and Emotional

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”   C. S. Lewis-A Grief Observed

C.S. Lewis describes grief as a spiral, but one where you can never tell whether you're going up or down. He also says that faith is not real until it is tested, until faith is a matter of life and death. The last year has been a painful reminder of the fragility of life.  My family has said goodbye to young and old, sick and healthy, friends and family.  In total, I've said the final goodbye to eleven people.  In doing so, grief has become something intensely real.

Intellectually, I believe that God is real.  God is a loving, caring God with a plan for everyone's life.  God is in heaven.  He plan for each one of his creations is that we live our lives, die, and enter into eternal life.  Intellectually, my belief in heaven and God's mercy does not waver.  However, I can't process grief intellectually. It's a confusing state that has no clear cycle.

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.”  C.S. Lewis-A Grief Observed

Spiritually, I know God is real.  I have felt His Grace in the sacrament of confession. I have been consoled in front of the Eucharist in Adoration.  There is an ever-lasting joy in talking with my Christian friends about our faith lives, a joy I experience no where else.  Spiritually, I believe in heaven. I rely on God's mercy every day of my life.  However, my faith at times feels more of a barrier to dealing with grief than anything.

“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.” C.S. Lewis- A Grief Observed

Emotionally, I do not understand. Most of the time, the emotions trump all of the intellectual and spiritual. I don't want to live life without these people, especially the ones that I sought advice from.  I don't want to think about what they've left behind, who they left behind.  Even a simple smile from a friend can set off a chain of thoughts in my head that leave me nearly in tears at the thought of what my family and I have lost. Sometimes, the emotional leaves me in actual physical pain.

“The death of a beloved is an amputation.” -C.S. Lewis

That's probably what has surprised me the most this year, grief's physical pain...the sleepless nights, the heaviness in my chest, the growing pit in my stomach. the loss of appetite, the random tears while sitting in class, crying in bathrooms, and the emotional exhaustion.  About a month after my cousin Renee died, right before finals, I pretty much stopped sleeping.  I had to force myself to eat because I was never hungry and food never appealed to me.  Grief was so tangible, I thought I was going crazy. 

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”   C.S. Lewis-A Grief Observed

On top of the grief, I realized I suffered from a lot of guilt.  I felt guilty that I didn't pray hard enough, or that I didn't believe enough in my prayers.  God promises to answer our prayers if we have faith.  And it felt like He didn't answer mine.  To some degree, I feel the same guilt with every death from terminal illness, but I have realized that it is not a lack of my prayers that resulted in death. However, even though I realize that intellectually, emotionally I don't quite accept it.  When my cousin Chrissy was in the hospital, I told my mom that medical miracles don't happen to people I love...and to be honest, I believed it.  Today, I realize that was my emotions speaking, not my faith or brain, but it still is a weight I carry with me.  Why do so many people die of cancer or terminal illnesses?  Why can't we discover a cure yet?

Recently, I've been reading the Diary of St. Faustina.  Her diary highlights the trials of despair and depression.  While I'm convinced that I'm not depressed, I do find myself in the depths of spiritual despair on a regular basis.  Her description of this feeling is perfect.

The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is not for her – for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze toward heaven, but in vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.

 In the depths of sadness, in the depths of grief, even just a simple prayer is torturous.  When Fr. Will died, I forced myself to go to Sunday Mass. I remember texting my sister because I was so confused by my feeling of distaste for church.  Reading St. Faustina, I kind of understand it a little bit better.  Thankfully, I felt better after Mass.

“The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just that time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.”  C.S. Lewis

Tomorrow, I'm going to start counseling for grief.  I could probably work through it on my own, but it's a lot easier to talk about it with someone that I won't feel guilty for burdening.  I feel bad reaching out over and over to my friends.  Being the Debbie Downer isn't my role in life.  Being sad and dealing with sad feelings on a regular basis has become a difficult cross to bear.  Whenever bad news comes my way, my first reaction is "I am so done." My capacity for experiencing emotions is shot and I am ready to renew myself through counseling and an improved prayer life. Things are looking up though.  I'm excited to start talking to a professional and get back some semblance of normalcy.

People often suggest talking to a priest.  Believe me, I am.  That's the only way I haven't turned my back on God.  But priests don't necessarily have training in psychology and counseling.  There are times we should turn to professionals who understand the science of the mind.  That's the beauty of Catholicism there is no contradiction between faith and science and we can rely on science when necessary.

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” -C.S. Lewis

Hopefully in sharing this, others who have been dealt difficult blows in life will have more insight into their feelings.  Hopefully, my family and friends might be encouraged to seek out help for themselves from professional counseling. If you're dealing with anything of a mental nature...depression, grief, eating disorders, suicide, self-harm, etc...please seek out help.  God has given us the tools to get better and you just need to reach out for them.

Over the past year, C.S. Lewis's book "A Grief Observed" has been instrumental in helping me comprehend these feelings.  As you can see here, much of what he has said heavily influences my perception of life.  His words have guided me to this understanding of the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional aspects of grief.  He helped me process things on my own and I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone.  Secondly, for those in spiritual despair, whether from grief or otherwise, I recommend St. Faustina's Diary as it puts into words the troubles of the soul while showing the great mercy of God that can work through us.

In Memorium

Jerry Petkash, Cousin

Renee Jaczkowski, Cousin

Irene Sommers, Great Aunt

Chrissy Ayres, Cousin

Meryn Hodges, Family friend

Hazel Weber, Great Aunt

Joseph Weber, Cousin

Roger Connor, Uncle

Fr. Will Propsero, S. J., Spiritual father and friend

Ronnie Kuskowski , adopted grandma

Rhonda White, Aunt

If Life Was Easy...It'd be Boring!

A year ago, somewhere right around this week in May, my dad and brother showed up in Gdansk.  I didn't really think I missed them much until I started crying in the airport when Joey gave me a hug.  My year in Poland was hard, and I've been fairly honest and open about that for the last year...so I don't feel the need to super rehash all the things that made it a rough year.

So a year ago, I was looking at the light at the end of the tunnel.  The excitement I felt about grad school was overwhelming because, well, it HAD to be easier than living in a foreign country, teaching classes I knew nothing about, and with very few friends.  Right?  Hahahaha.

Grad school is an entirely different beast than living abroad, but some of the skills I talked about in my reflection on a year abroad have actually come surprisingly in handy.

Fear of the Unknown is Useless
ANYONE who has had any brief academic discussion with me knows that math IS NOT my subject.  In fact, I jokingly told an internship supervisor that I hated math...and he asked how I got my internship.  Luckily, over the years, I have become more open to new things, which led me to fall head over heels in love with SPEA's quantitative program.  I still panic when a new big word like heteroscedsaticity pops up, but I'm getting better at dealing with it.

Public Speaking isn't so Bad
Teaching four classes a week for a year pretty much eradicated fear of public speaking.  I mean, I still get a little jittery inside, but as long as I prepare well, there's no problem!

"I don't know" isn't a bad word
Grad school is a place where readings and concepts and equations can get stuffed down your throat faster than hot dogs at an eating contest.  I'll modify this lesson a little bit, but "I need a break", "I don't understand", and "I don't know" are all phrases that I've used repeatedly. Being able to say "I don't know" is a knowledge of my boundaries and knowing boundaries is crucial to maintaining sanity.


I'll add a new one to all of this....
Life is hard...get over is
I really thought that grad school was going to be easier than Poland.  At least my life would be in English right? Hah.  Grad school has it's own language of statistics and finance, things I've never really experienced before coming to IU.  It's hard...in a different, but still difficult way than Poland.

So the conclusion I've come to is that life is never easy, just different kinds of hard.  But it's those really hard moments that make the good days and triumphs so much sweeter.  I am who I am because I have struggled.  If life was easy, it'd be boring. 

The most important thing I've learned at SPEA this year is the value of friendship.  While grad school was hard (yes, I cried a few times), having friends to help bear the burden, proofread assignments, and argue about research methodology made those really bad nights much fewer and further between than last year in Poland. 


I'm ready to kick my last two finals butts and enjoy a wonderful summer...hopefully filled with a few trips to Lake Monroe, s'mores, and lots of barbeque.  But I'm going into the summer, with the realization that it will bring its own challenges (probably commuting 2 1/2 hours a day is high up there).  Just because school's out, doesn't give me a free pass at life.  Luckily, I have good friends and a family who is aaaaaaaaaalways there for me!

The Blessings of Life's Fragility

It's been a while since I've had time or energy to write for my own personal edification, grad school is hard.  Some of life's events though have caused me to ponder hard the fragility of life and how people come into ours, change us, and exit again.

All the pictures I took to Poland for decorative purposes

Anyone who knows well me knows that I am emotional and sentimental.  I value relationships, friends, memories.  My walls are usually covered in pictures.  My family is of utmost importance and I consider most of my friends family.

One things I've been blessed with is the ability to see how people change me.  I can name people that I haven't talked to in fifteen years who had an impact on my life.  Thus the loss of friends, no matter the reason, hits me hard.

Over the past year and a half, two very influential people in my life have been fighting cancer. To say it weighs heavily on my heart would be an understatement.  I pray constantly for their healing, physically and spiritually.

The crazy thing is though, in the midst of the suffering, both of them have ministered to my own soul.  They have forced me to evaluate how I treat my friends and family, to reconsider the gift of life.

Today, I was talking to my mom.  I'm struggling with letting go of my desire to keep these people in my life and giving God the final say.  Selfishly to some extent, I pray for their healing.  These are people I know for a fact have changed my life positively by being a role model, a spiritual counselor, and probably praying for the conversion of my faith more than I ever realized.  I know the impact that they have had on the world so why wouldn't I want them to stay in the world?

My mom's answer was simple.  We have to remember that no matter the love in our hearts for an individual, "ultimately they were His first."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Our lives were made by, for, and through Him.  It's for His glory and ultimately to get to Heaven that we exist.  I may not understand His plan or like it right now, but for the glory of God, I will continue to pray for understanding and peace in my heart.

Earthly life only has one end, but Christ promises us eternity, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?" (John 11:25-26)  

Knowing this doesn't make the sadness of their suffering easier, but it reminds me that one day, I'll be reunited with those that left the earth before me.  Hopefully starting with my friend Brent who died when I was only 11.  He's one of those persons who I'll never forget because he was one of the first real friends I had.  It's only through death that we'll be reunited though.

Life is short, and it's something I've been reminded of from a very young age. It's important to invest in these kinds of relationships, the ones where you know someone so well that their absence leaves a hole in your heart because that hole means that you were changed by them. The hard part is allowing God to fill that hole, to heal it, to not become bitter or angry.

Approaching death from a Christian standpoint leads me to believe that death isn't really death at all.  As Scripture tells us, one day we will say "O death where is your victory?  Oh death where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:51-54 

But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

"Death is swallowed up in victory."